An open letter to Julius “Seizure” Malema
Dear Comrade Julius Malema the First, Commander-in-Chief of the Economic Freedom Fighters, Hero of the Poor, Prince of Pedis, the People's Parliamentarian, Evader of Taxes and Creator of the Revolutio...
It’s all been a terrible mistake
Ah, yes. It's all coming back to me now. Here's one I wrote to Schabir in April 2016.
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Dear Schabir Shaik,
It's a damn shame that you didn't get Judge Willie Seriti in your tr...
SONA – a dull blip on my radar
President Jacob Zuma's nine-step programme to save the economy has a lot in common with AA's 12-step programme to save alcoholics. They both rely on the intervention of a higher power and … well, that...
An open letter to our fearless leader
Dear Comrade Dr Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbeki, Unifier of the...
Trick or tweet
It's Halloween tonight and I, for one, cannot wait to put on my succubus suit and go creeping around the neighbourhood late at night banging on doors, shouting: “Trick or treat!” The real sport starts...
Crafting a new revolution
There is so much to write about this week. The crisis at the country's universities. Oscar Pistorius' release into controlled captivity. Britain's unseemly fawning over the president of one of the wor...
Maid in South Africa
The exchange of labour for money is the greatest confidence trick since some dude called Abraham duped his slave into paying for his own circumcision. I don't know the finer details but apparently it'...
Of art, life and fuckbois
I don't usually do this sort of thing. "What sort of thing?" I hear you ask anxiously. Well, if you just sit the fuck down and shut up for a second, I'll tell you.
I rarely write unless I'm paid to d...
Advance Australia Unfair
After flying halfway around the world I arrived in Joburg hung over, hysterical with sleep deprivation and barely able to walk upright on my mangled economy class legs. It was freezing cold and I was ...
Trust me, I’m a financial advisor
I have always paid scant attention to that section of any newspaper devoted to matters concerning money. Then, last week, instead of rolling a broadsheet-sized joint from the front page of Personal Fi...
An open letter to ANC Secretary General Comrade Gwede Mantashe
Dear Comrade Gwede,
Well done on giving our courts a swift kick in the nuts. That'll teach them to have what you call a negative attitude towards the government. It's almost as if they believe the my...
A letter to Big Jake
Dear Comrade Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, by the Grace of God President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbek...