Dear King Misuzulu kaZwelithini…
Bayede! Am I saying that right? Men dressed as leopards were shouting it on the telly on Saturday during your coronation. I apologise that my isiZulu isn't up to scratch. We can't all be Christopher b...
Free drugs at the High Court Night Shelter
If superior beings on a distant planet had a listening device pointed at the Earth, all they'd pick up from South Africa is a dull whine. The sound of millions of people complaining, carping and criti...
Happy International Catwoman Day
Today being International Cat Day, I was reminded of the time my wife moved out.
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As a parting gift, Brenda left me the cat. No doubt it will become a bargaining chip once papers are...
Mascara maketh the man
Being in the media, albeit on the shadowy, run-down fringes where the rats don't run, I come across a lot of headlines. They often tell me all I need to know and I move swiftly along for the sake of m...
Lost in translation
My old mate Ted dropped in unannounced the other day, an offence punishable by extreme violence. He said he didn’t have time to make an appointment with someone who last answered his phone in 2014. Ev...
It’s A for Away at Arugam Bay
Watching the political turmoil unfold in Sri Lanka, I was glad to have had the opportunity to visit the country on a surf trip four years ago. Here are two columns I wrote for Zigzag magazine at the t...
Hanging out with the Vervet underground
I made the mistake of flying to Durban, unaware that schools, which mostly shield us from the awfulness of children, are closed. Every mall, beach and restaurant is infested with the feral savages. Mo...
Neigh, my bru
I have never seen the point of horses. They are little more than tall dogs with inappropriately long faces. But if you dare mention it in front of them, they will not hesitate to bite your arm off and...
There will be blood (tests)
So the nights are getting shorter. But not short enough for me. I'm done with nights. Sleeping is an appalling waste of the little time we are allowed on this mad carousel.
If you live to 75, you wil...
Don’t try to extinguish Girls on Fire
I saw a news story today about Girls on Fire. Someone should put them out, was my first thought. Risking my sanity by reading beyond the headline, I learned the story was about a marked increase in th...
Municipal mayhem
There are few six-syllable words in the English language that fill one with more despair and contempt than the word “municipality”. Not in every country, obviously. There are parts of the world where ...
We’ve got an Ankole in the forex business
I wanted to write about the last nail being hammered into Cyril Ramaphosa's political coffin. Or about a fat, repulsive ex-spook stabbing South Africa in the back, not to put it out of its misery, but...