Hot and cold dogs at the Chinese takeaway
Yep, it's that time of year again. Here's a piece I wrote a few years ago. Nothing has changed.
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Oh, to be in the ancient Chinese prefecture-level city of Yulin right n...
Dear Comrade President Cyril Ramaphosa the First…
Well done on reminding us that members of parliament are people, too. Real people with real feelings. If you tickle them, do they not laugh? If you cut them, do they not bleed? If you pay them R100 00...
The light at the end of the tunnel has gone out
I was on deadline when an Eskom attack dog was unleashed on Twitter, snarling that stage 4 load shedding was imminent and anyone who had a problem could meet him outside in the parking lot. Like cance...
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
South Africans are up in arms over a proposed amendment that says self-defence is not a good enough reason to be awarded a gun licence.
Cold, dead hands notwithstanding, if your husband goes shopping...
A parliament of berserkers
I watched a clip of EFF leader Julius Malema at the Pan-African Parliament raising a point of order in true South African fashion. “I'll kill you outside!” he shouted, pointing at a fellow honourable ...
Who’s a pretty polyandrist, then?
Polygamy is a one-way street in South Africa. You can have more than one wife, but you can't have more than one husband. Polygyny is fine but polyandry, in the words of the clearly repressed Bishop Ma...
Saving Private Lion
It's all so very tawdry and dull, this white-collar crime business. Sweaty people making breathless phone calls. Chubby fingers tapping nervously at grubby keyboards. Obscene amounts of money moving s...
New Zealand – Mordor or the Shire?
Perusing that tiny portion of the internet not devoted to genitalia and cats, I came across a site called New Zealand Expert. This, apparently, was “my key to becoming a Kiwi”. I hate it when people p...
No safe harbour for Gigaba – a flashback
Here's a letter I wrote to the man of the moment two-and-a-half years ago after Ajay Gupta gave him the home affairs ministry.
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Dear Comrade Malusi Gigaba...
Horsing around with drugs
It's occurred to me lately that drug-taking no longer has the stigma it once had. Drugs have become like, I don't know, badminton. There was a time when you would avoid people who played badminton for...
Dear Jeff Bezos …
Dear Mr Bezos,
That sounds awfully stiff and formal. Do you mind if I call you Jeffrey? Or Jeff? I'm sure you don't. You are nothing if not a man of the people. Besides, we have so much in common t...
A darkies’ guide to whiteys
White South Africans, much like white sharks, are one of the most misunderstood animals on the planet. They have a reputation for unpredictable behaviour and non-Caucasians are often afraid to venture...