An interview with the author
How did you get into writing?
When I was around five years old, I was
sent to this building that had lots of rooms. A strange woman gave me
and some other children coloured pencils and made us copy...
Dear Barman
“Two Windhoeks and a Jack on the rocks, please.”
“Sorry?”
“Two Windhoeks and a Jack.”
“Sorry?”
“TWO WINDHOEKS …”
And so it begins. I have just walked into your bar and
already my idea o...
I’m back …
Here we go again. The Citizen newspaper has kindly and courageously offered me a home for my column. My first tabloid! This is tremendously exciting.
Cut & Run appears for the first time today ...
2019 – Your Stars
After a close
encounter with a celestial body on New Year’s Eve, I had an epiphany so
powerful that I had to go home and change my broeks. It was downhill from then
on.
All indications
are that 20...
A guide to surviving New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Eve. My liver huddles up
against my spleen and whimpers at the mere mention of it. Come out,
you lily-livered coward. I need you now more than ever.
The Anno Domini system, which counts
...
How to survive
'Tis that time of year when the have-nots begin stepping up their unannounced visits to the haves and they don't always knock at the front door. Sometimes they come in through the windows.
If you nee...
Get dolled up this Xmas
I suggested to my ex-wife once that instead of giving each other gifts at Christmas, we should rather exchange bodily fluids.
She seemed to think something more substantial was in order so I gave h...
Mall makes Blood River look like a picnic
Today, 180 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated the Zulus at the Battle of Blood River.
And in 180 minutes from now, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway S...
Jingle Hells
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year. There should be new r...
Relax, officer
’Tis almost the season to be jolly. Jolly careful. There are people out there determined to get us locked up over the festive season. Family, for a start. There’s always one asshole relative who insis...
An open letter to the president of Egypt #LegsMustFall
Dear President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi,
Well done on your impeccable taste in chief prosecutors. When your top man decided to put that brazen hussy Rania Youssef on trial, I threw a spontaneous Egypti...
Shedding loads and spreading lies
Eskom has been fucking with us for years and there's no end in sight. Here's a letter I wrote to the boss of the power utility in 2011. This was before the Guptas even got their claws into it.
&nbs...