Xmas shopping for the cheapskates and the drunk
It’s that time of year when the ravening dogs of capitalism are out of the cages and straining at their leashes. Their eyes are red and wet and their foam-flecked jaws snap and slaver. Soon they will ...
A letter to the president
Dear Comrade Cyril,
Congratulations/condolences on recent developments in the Phala Phala clusterfuck. Things are moving fast and there's no way of telling whether you'll be president, jobless or on ...
An idiot’s guide to the rules of soccer
A lot of people don’t understand soccer. And by people, I mean women. At some point during the next couple of weeks, your husband, boyfriend, brother or father will insist that you watch at least one ...
A survival guide to Black Friday
It’s that time of year when we all turn into gibbering idiots and experts take it upon themselves to advise us on the blindingly obvious. Like, in the event of a thunderstorm, avoid standi...
Stick to falcons, Qatar
Those poor Qataris. They're paying so much money to be liked. Just not enough, sadly. For a start, you call that an opening ceremony? This is the Soccer World Cup, not some half-arsed attempt to impre...
Panties? I object, my Lord
Dear Sadika Fakir, Chair of the Advertising Regulatory Board,
On behalf of all decent, clean-living South Africans, I want to thank you for the position you and your board took against the shocking p...
World’s most powerful rocket heads to universe’s most boring moon
Nasa's Artemis 1 rocket has blasted off from the Kennedy Space Centre and is on its way to the moon.
I don't understand the fuss. We've already been there. Nasa left a beach buggy there half a centur...
Forget sportsmanship, let’s riot!
South Africa truly is a sports-crazy country. You might curl your lip and say the word “sports” is superfluous and you'd be right, but I'm trying to be positive here and if you don't like it, write yo...
Zuma – more cunning than linguist
On Saturday I made the terrible mistake of switching to the live stream of Jacob Zuma's so-called “address to the nation”, as touted by his obsequious handlanger, Jimmy Manyi.
It was excruciating w...
Shooting the breeze … and the boss
An internal survey has found that 65% of cops don't look forward to going to work in the morning. This means the 35% who do enjoy the job are the ones collecting protection money, soliciting bribes an...
Jou ma se holiday
The last time I took a holiday, it went on for five months. Now I can only afford to go away for one night. I spent my 24-hour vacation in Sea Point, requiring a road trip all ...
Watch yourself in the showers, Harry
“The Mpumalanga High Court has sentenced the leader of a right-wing organisation to two life terms and 21 years in jail for terrorism-related offences. Harry Johannes Knoesen – the leader of the ...