I’m back …
Here we go again. The Citizen newspaper has kindly and courageously offered me a home for my column. My first tabloid! This is tremendously exciting.
Cut & Run appears for the first time today ...
A guide to surviving New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Eve. My liver huddles up
against my spleen and whimpers at the mere mention of it. Come out,
you lily-livered coward. I need you now more than ever.
The Anno Domini system, which counts
...
Mall makes Blood River look like a picnic
Today, 180 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated the Zulus at the Battle of Blood River.
And in 180 minutes from now, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway S...
Jingle Hells
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year. There should be new r...
Relax, officer
’Tis almost the season to be jolly. Jolly careful. There are people out there determined to get us locked up over the festive season. Family, for a start. There’s always one asshole relative who insis...
Shedding loads and spreading lies
Eskom has been fucking with us for years and there's no end in sight. Here's a letter I wrote to the boss of the power utility in 2011. This was before the Guptas even got their claws into it.
&nbs...
Get insurance against the insurers
Dear Comrade Johann Le Roux, CEO of Momentum Life.
Congratulations on steadfastly refusing to fork out R2.4-million to the widow of that 42-year-old Durban man who died while trying to protect his ...
We live in testing times
My wallet containing a credit card, driver’s licence, R12.50 and a small but well-behaved family of weevils has mysteriously vanished into a black hole. I made the money back by dressing up in a monke...
No safe harbour for Gigaba
Dear Comrade Malusi Gigaba, Honourable Upstanding Member, Minister of Affairs, Fighter of Tourism, Epitome of Sartorial Elegance.
Congratulations on your spectacular cinematic debut, even though it...
Every night is fright night
It is Halloween on Wednesday and I, for one, cannot wait to put on my succubus suit and go creeping around the neighbourhood late at night banging on doors, shouting: “Trick or treat!”
The real spo...
Crime me a river
I went to a braai on Saturday night. It was either that or give heroin a try. The house was full of normal people with normal faces and normal jobs. I should have gone with the heroin.
Braais aren’...
To the Matric Class of 2018
Dear adultlings,
Congratulations on making it to the end of the beginning. Twelve years of being bullied, belittled and, in several thousand cases, banged up. A South African education prepares you...