Dear Comrade President Cyril Ramaphosa the First…
Well done on reminding us that members of parliament are people, too. Real people with real feelings. If you tickle them, do they not laugh? If you cut them, do they not bleed? If you pay them R100 00...
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
South Africans are up in arms over a proposed amendment that says self-defence is not a good enough reason to be awarded a gun licence.
Cold, dead hands notwithstanding, if your husband goes shopping...
A parliament of berserkers
I watched a clip of EFF leader Julius Malema at the Pan-African Parliament raising a point of order in true South African fashion. “I'll kill you outside!” he shouted, pointing at a fellow honourable ...
Who’s a pretty polyandrist, then?
Polygamy is a one-way street in South Africa. You can have more than one wife, but you can't have more than one husband. Polygyny is fine but polyandry, in the words of the clearly repressed Bishop Ma...
Saving Private Lion
It's all so very tawdry and dull, this white-collar crime business. Sweaty people making breathless phone calls. Chubby fingers tapping nervously at grubby keyboards. Obscene amounts of money moving s...
New Zealand – Mordor or the Shire?
Perusing that tiny portion of the internet not devoted to genitalia and cats, I came across a site called New Zealand Expert. This, apparently, was “my key to becoming a Kiwi”. I hate it when people p...
Horsing around with drugs
It's occurred to me lately that drug-taking no longer has the stigma it once had. Drugs have become like, I don't know, badminton. There was a time when you would avoid people who played badminton for...
Dear Jeff Bezos …
Dear Mr Bezos,
That sounds awfully stiff and formal. Do you mind if I call you Jeffrey? Or Jeff? I'm sure you don't. You are nothing if not a man of the people. Besides, we have so much in common t...
Drinking with pigs
With a few notable exceptions, journalism in this country is going to the dogs. I, on the other hand, am going to the pigs.
Setting up a rudimentary office in the outside section of a rustic beach ...
Orcas, Putin and the real Godzille
This pandemic malarkey is starting to get old. It's all a bit 2020, really. Lockdown, schmockdown, right? Been there, done that. I mean, let's be honest. When last were you shocked by any of the Covid...
Rush to join the Memorable Order of Tinfoil Hats
It's astounding how much this so-called pandemic has revealed about the way people behave during a crisis. The compassion. The solidarity. The gibbering, eye-bubbling lunacy.
I watched a clip of mo...
No more pura vida
My holiday in Costa Rica is over and I am on my way home. Three months have flown by in the blink of a fish on a bicycle. Since the concept of time has become meaningless, feel free to make up your ow...