The fast and the furious, the fucked and the feckless
So parliament has approved yet another malevolent piece of legislation. The Aarto Amendment Bill will now be sent to the president to be signed into law. Its full catchy title is the Administrative Ad...
Hooked & Cooked
There has been a flurry of excitement in
shark circles along the east coast.
“Have you heard the news?” said Mr Zambezi.
“Of course not,” said Mr Tiger. “We don’t
have ears.”
“Well, we have i...
On brave Americans and goats of darkness
Dear Bryan,
I do apologise. The world is full of inconsequential Bryans and I am sure the last thing a man of your stature would want is to be confused with the multitude of Bryans who lack the...
Dear Barman
“Two Windhoeks and a Jack on the rocks, please.”
“Sorry?”
“Two Windhoeks and a Jack.”
“Sorry?”
“TWO WINDHOEKS …”
And so it begins. I have just walked into your bar and
already my idea o...
2019 – Your Stars
After a close
encounter with a celestial body on New Year’s Eve, I had an epiphany so
powerful that I had to go home and change my broeks. It was downhill from then
on.
All indications
are that 20...
A guide to surviving New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Eve. My liver huddles up
against my spleen and whimpers at the mere mention of it. Come out,
you lily-livered coward. I need you now more than ever.
The Anno Domini system, which counts
...
Mall makes Blood River look like a picnic
Today, 180 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated the Zulus at the Battle of Blood River.
And in 180 minutes from now, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway S...
Jingle Hells
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year. There should be new r...
Relax, officer
’Tis almost the season to be jolly. Jolly careful. There are people out there determined to get us locked up over the festive season. Family, for a start. There’s always one asshole relative who insis...
An open letter to the president of Egypt #LegsMustFall
Dear President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi,
Well done on your impeccable taste in chief prosecutors. When your top man decided to put that brazen hussy Rania Youssef on trial, I threw a spontaneous Egypti...
Shedding loads and spreading lies
Eskom has been fucking with us for years and there's no end in sight. Here's a letter I wrote to the boss of the power utility in 2011. This was before the Guptas even got their claws into it.
&nbs...
Rage, rage against the partying of the lighties
After hearing about the Matric Rage going down this weekend, I knew right away I had to be part of it. When I finished school, we didn’t have such a thing. On the last day of school, our teachers gave...